Can't Handle the Stress

Maybe it's just me that I find that applying for Visa is hard.

Or it is me.

One night, I had a nightmare that I failed to get a Visa. I didn't know why, but crazy thoughts were flooding my mind.

It was too late to apply for visa.


You were not eligible because of an error in one of your documents.


You were not accepted because you failed to complete the procedure.


Maybe not many, but imagine one of these thoughts create endless possibilities. That means, I'd have to wait another year to do my third year. That means I stopped third year for nothing. That means, I'm not going to be able to see London with my own eyes.

That means, all those talk and dreams of traveling to Malham Cove and Paris was all... for nothing.

I know I'm not the best at handling stressed situations. It shows in my face that I panic at these times; I don't know how to keep my cool, I don't know how to clear my head to solve a stressed situation.

Heck, even the agent told me that I am kan cheong.

I have a role model who handles situations really well and stands up for herself. I'm not the type that leads nor anyone who would follow. I just know that I care and I try to avoid problems because I don't like confronting serious adult problems.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too young to be 21. When I had to ask the agent questions myself instead of my dad asking, he said I needed to learn how to handle these kind of things already. I can't cry when I face a confrontation anymore. I can't show how soft I am and how easily I can be pushed, which leads to why people would use me.

Sometimes I feel like I want to let all my troubles out to someone. I don't like the "suffer in silence" style. It's killing me. And it's killing me now. Because I can't describe how difficult this person is. I want to release my frustration and I wish more people would tell me that it's gonna be okay.

But at this point. It's so hard to think that it's gonna be okay. Because this person is not making everything okay. This person is giving me so much stress that I may sound dramatic in handling this situation. Even I had a hard time sleeping at night because this thought is consistently in my head.

And time is running out. Fast.

I want this misery to end. Please end... please.