Sometimes I Feel Like There's Something Wrong With Me

In the previous post, I sounded in such high spirits and thought nothing could bring me down.

Until your father receives the results of my previous semester from my school.

When I saw my results, I thought I did better. I thought I had improved (well, minus the critical cultural studies class where I did not put enough effort into my essay). I could've sworn I did alright in the Negotiation Project (it's the project where we had to create a marketing brand campaign of our subject, which was a whoopie pie).

Whoopie Pie

Where was I? I was talking about my results, yes.

My dad was really concerned about my studies when he saw the results of my projects. I wondered what did I do wrong? What, I didn't push myself hard enough? Was my performance that... bad? It's like... I'm not challenging myself enough? Is it because I have not changed? That I don't like to step out of my comfort zone?

I mean, I love what I'm doing in school, although it's perfectly normal that I... occasionally complain about it. But otherwise.

I do enjoy my major, but why do I seem not to be improving, grade-wise? I liked working on the whoopie pie. We did well with this project of designing a grocery store to be more friendly to the blind and handicapped consumers. We even got a compliment from the lecturer about how good our branding was.

My parents were surprised that my sister is doing better than me in school. My mom was pretty upset that I'm just doing average (I'm not exaggerating, please) for this course. My dad was using the "we spent so much money putting you on this course and we expected better results from you" card. Of course, that put me even lower, making me feel all guilty for not doing well enough to make my parents proud.

Even there was one time when my mom considered pulling me off this course because I'm not doing well. Can you believe that during that hour of the conversation, I had considered about listening to my mom? About changing course? It made me feel doubtful about myself. It made me feel like I was not good enough, that I'm the weak link, the one that can't make her own decisions. The one who questioned her judgement...

[Don't you ever start thinking about The One That Got Away.]

Naive.

Is that how my friends in class sees me? Is that how I've been portraying myself all this time? Come to think of it, I feel a little embarrassed thinking about it. Have I been always seen as a naive person? The one that cannot handle responsibilities?

So now... I have to change my behavior? I can't... behave like I'm seventeen anymore (even though people say that I look like a seventeen-year-old)? I shouldn't... behave like a child anymore? And that I have to act like a... like a twenty-one-year-old?

A twenty-one year old... lady?

Maybe they're right. Perhaps I've been a little too comfortable with my bubble that we call the comfort zone. Maybe all this time, I thought I've stepped out of my comfort zone but... I haven't.

I haven't.