Getting My Act Together

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Well for one thing, I won't be talking about some guy that I fancy.

Maybe next time.

Right now, I've been troubled by the fact that I might have accidentally burnt a bridge and not realising it all this time. I don't know if I did, but because it has been a Direct-Current flow I can't help but wonder if something was up. I have this strange feeling like something has shifted in our friendship. And not in the right way.

Whenever I feel a negative vibe in my friendship, I'd be worried sick. I'd start to wonder, "Hmm, why isn't she replying to my texts or comments?" I'd start to question myself what did I do wrong before even thinking, "did I do something wrong?" It'd always be at the back of my mind, unable to let the feeling go.

And it bothered me even more when came the day I turned 23. No word. I was feeling rather crestfallen about it. Did I anger her that much? Or has she just forgotten about it?

Someone once told me that there'll come a time when some best friends will go. You know, like come and go? "Go" is the thing that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of losing a best friend. I'm afraid I'd be the one who'd burn the bridge accidentally. I don't want her to be the one who goes. I care for her so much that I had actually cried when I dreamed that she let go of me because she has found someone else that she's finally happy with.

To see her happy makes me really happy. But to see her leaving me on her path to happiness... that's painful. I know it's the right thing to do. I'd be selfish if I don't want to lose her. If she has chosen to put the past in the past, I will accept.

I had hoped there will come a day that we could talk about it. About my insecurities... about our friendship... but.. it never came...

There are people who see me as nice or humble (really?) or in our generation's slang, awesome. Really? Am I awesome? Why do they see me as a great girl, very friendly, kind... or sometimes careless, blur and naïve? I had wondered was it because she couldn't take my naive-ness anymore? Is it time that I should grow up now?

Is that how am I always going to be? Not hardworking, aggressive, straight to the point?

My point is that I've been stuck at this phase for a long time and it's hard to get out of it. Being careless at any jobs that I've been tasked to do, messing up...

I don't know why do I behave like I'm an 18-year-old stuck in a 23-year-old body. Why do I behave so child-like? Why do I not bother dressing up and shudder at the thought of wearing a dress to a casual outing, when there's a jeans option?

Why do I not bother to groom myself to look more attractive? Why is it that when I'm surrounded by the opposite sex, instead of behaving all feminine, I go "what's up, man?" and dressed down in hoodie and jeans?

I do find guys attractive, but because I'd get extremely shy if I see someone I like, I'd go into this "just be cool and act like them" mode to blend--

Oh, no. There I go again, steering off to another topic.

Anyway, I should put a gentle reminder around to always act like a grown up. It's time to put down the 'Teenager' act and pull myself together to be a -- (shudder) -- lady.

My dear friend... I miss you.

For the First Time

Alright. Something to write about at the start of New Year.

Shoot, I should've made a resolution to stop blogging about cute guys.

So I had this crush on a guy (in freaking UK again) when I attended church. He was playing bass. With me being the shy girl on the inside, I developed this mechanism where instead trying to chat up with a guy that I fancy, I practically shy away from him. Call me crazy but if I had to stand or sit next to him, I would have my probably glued to him.

When he went back to Malaysia, I figured, "Oh, therr he goes. I won't be able to see him again. Sigh" We had a dinner reunion recently and I was incredibly surprised to see him again. Luckily I created this happy and cheerful facade of mine so it's pretty normal that I'm smiling and being funny. But because I hardly know that guy and I was comfortable with the host, I manage to keep my cool about seeing him there.

And thank my lucky stars and the Good Lord that not many know the existence of this blog because, holy cow, he's still as good-looking as ever! And he says he's working at one of the malls where I used to go because of my work, which is a shame because I don't even know if I'm getting the job to work where I used to be an intern.

Okay so for those who are wondering what did I do for Christmas and New Year, I spent both of them with my relatives in the Philippines. And what's a trip to the Philippines without karaoke? We met my aunt's fiancé for the first time and went bowling for the first time as a family.

With the technology of WhatsApp, I manage to greet my beloved best friends who stay in London and even heard their beautiful voices.

Before Christmas, I watched Frozen twice (one with friends and the other with my family). And it's no surprise to hear that the children in Boys Brigade like to sing the first line of the song, Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?

What an awww moment (:

Okay that's all I can share for now. Wish me luck for next week! Signing off.

I Wish You Were Here

It's true that life can be cruel to you.

You would feel like you've disappointed people who depended on you.

You would think that the world is against you because life is not going well for you.

Sometimes you would even be put the entire blame on you because it is your responsibility.

Well, it's up to you if you want to focus on the negative things that's happened in your life recently.

Or you can also start to focus on the little small things you've been blessed with.

You can sit in the corner, feeling bad about yourself forever,... or you can -- dare I say it -- suck it up, stand up and be better. Even if your boss does not see you striving to be better.

I admit I've always seen myself as timid, unable to handle bigger problems, and weak. I always doubt myself, feeling unprepared for the big jungle out there.

Heck, these days, I've been scared to even check my emails already.

I admit that I'm... different. I feel like I'm an oddball out here. I behave differently, I interact differently. But I know that one day, I'll find my place.

Sometimes I have problem coping with work is that I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't like complaining about work, and if I talk about work, it's not like they'll give nice words of encouragement. No, they'll just say the usual phrase.

"Life's like that. Suck it up, woman."

"What are you, a baby? Grow up."

"So what if the world's biting you? Bite back."

Or something along those lines.

Perhaps it's still because I miss having someone to think of me, asking how am I doing, how's life. [I swear if I have to deal with another "So, are you seeing someone?" question, I'm saying "No, I'm seeing my dogs and TV shows".] I miss going back to a house where I can goof around with good mates and talk crap about uni life or gossip. I miss hearing about someone's day, what were they up to last weekend...

I really hope I can make it through The Big Weekend.

PS: Check out what I did for The Bee. So proud and happy! At least this really cheered me up last Friday, despite getting a chide.

When the Right One Comes Along

I always have this thing of having a fancy on the wrong kind of guys. So when I met this nice and sweet guy, turns out we're both on each opposite sides of the earth.

I can't tell you how nice he is. I might give away too easily. Ha ha. When my 7 year old cousin saw the souvenir on my bag, she asked,

"Who gave this to you?"

"Oh, it's from a good friend of mine. He got this from Disneyland."

"Does he like you?"

[speechless because you're hearing this from a mouth of a seven-year-old]

"Err, not that I know of! Oh, look, Aunt Kwok's serving some ice cream. Let's have some!"

Whew. That was close.

Does he like me? Seriously, I don't know. We've had good times, but I never thought of them as something more, because, well, I'm all the way here, and he's all the way... there.

I'll let God decide on my fate. Not worth prodding on if there isn't anything there all this time.

Work has had some ups and downs. On downtimes, the new intern and I would be bored to our bones. And we're maybe just that good at looking like we're busy, or I'm just not that reliable to do the design jobs they've been given with. And that seriously hurts.

But I try not to be judgemental about them. But I'm just so eager to do some work, and I'm willing to do better.

Sometimes the thought of not doing work makes me think that I'm not good enough to do their works. Which easily puts me down. But I do my best not to think of it. I'll just have to sit there and wait patiently.

Or I just come up to them and ask if there's anything I could do to help out.

No joke, I've asked that for like, 3 ( or four? ) times already.

Wow, the title does suit the content of this post.

Love's Ring of Fire

Wow, I've survived one month in the workforce as an intern

But let me talk about how I'm coping with the weather.

Ever since I came back, I can't stop thinking about ice dessert. Like Snowflake. Or Tasty One. Seriously, I've been craving for those kind of taro ball and soya-based dessert like crazy. I've already taken three trips to SS15 to have Snowflake and Blackball (another Snowflake, but it was clever of them to open earlier than Snowflake)

I'm doing-- wait scratch that-- trying to spend less, but it's so hard to think "MY GOSH, RM5 IS SO EXPENSIVE! I'M NOT COMING BACK AGAIN".

Now I'm like, "Oh, RM5 for a drink? Pfft, that's nothing, that's like £1!". Which is bad.

So, I've decided to only have lunch with colleagues once a week, then the rest of the days I'll just stay in the office, or grab a chicken rice that's like RM6 [duh, it's Jaya One]. :(

Finally did a poster that's going to be printed in mass production! It's the Upfront poster The Bee usually have. Can't wait to grab a few for myself and close friends!

Maybe put a signature to boost my ego.

Yeah, right, like I'll do that. I'll just see it put up in Publika and admire it on the walls outside and inside The Bee. :)

PS: Missing my friends terribly. Wish they were just a phone call away..
PPS: Sorry, the title has no relation to this content of this post. It's just a name of my favourite song that's currently playing through my speakers :) Check out this song, but add in "Nashville cover", it's lovelier!