Getting My Act Together

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Well for one thing, I won't be talking about some guy that I fancy.

Maybe next time.

Right now, I've been troubled by the fact that I might have accidentally burnt a bridge and not realising it all this time. I don't know if I did, but because it has been a Direct-Current flow I can't help but wonder if something was up. I have this strange feeling like something has shifted in our friendship. And not in the right way.

Whenever I feel a negative vibe in my friendship, I'd be worried sick. I'd start to wonder, "Hmm, why isn't she replying to my texts or comments?" I'd start to question myself what did I do wrong before even thinking, "did I do something wrong?" It'd always be at the back of my mind, unable to let the feeling go.

And it bothered me even more when came the day I turned 23. No word. I was feeling rather crestfallen about it. Did I anger her that much? Or has she just forgotten about it?

Someone once told me that there'll come a time when some best friends will go. You know, like come and go? "Go" is the thing that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of losing a best friend. I'm afraid I'd be the one who'd burn the bridge accidentally. I don't want her to be the one who goes. I care for her so much that I had actually cried when I dreamed that she let go of me because she has found someone else that she's finally happy with.

To see her happy makes me really happy. But to see her leaving me on her path to happiness... that's painful. I know it's the right thing to do. I'd be selfish if I don't want to lose her. If she has chosen to put the past in the past, I will accept.

I had hoped there will come a day that we could talk about it. About my insecurities... about our friendship... but.. it never came...

There are people who see me as nice or humble (really?) or in our generation's slang, awesome. Really? Am I awesome? Why do they see me as a great girl, very friendly, kind... or sometimes careless, blur and naïve? I had wondered was it because she couldn't take my naive-ness anymore? Is it time that I should grow up now?

Is that how am I always going to be? Not hardworking, aggressive, straight to the point?

My point is that I've been stuck at this phase for a long time and it's hard to get out of it. Being careless at any jobs that I've been tasked to do, messing up...

I don't know why do I behave like I'm an 18-year-old stuck in a 23-year-old body. Why do I behave so child-like? Why do I not bother dressing up and shudder at the thought of wearing a dress to a casual outing, when there's a jeans option?

Why do I not bother to groom myself to look more attractive? Why is it that when I'm surrounded by the opposite sex, instead of behaving all feminine, I go "what's up, man?" and dressed down in hoodie and jeans?

I do find guys attractive, but because I'd get extremely shy if I see someone I like, I'd go into this "just be cool and act like them" mode to blend--

Oh, no. There I go again, steering off to another topic.

Anyway, I should put a gentle reminder around to always act like a grown up. It's time to put down the 'Teenager' act and pull myself together to be a -- (shudder) -- lady.

My dear friend... I miss you.