Expressing Out

Friend.

It is defined as 'a person whom one knows', 'a person who is not an enemy or who is one the same side', 'a familiar or helpful thing'.

Whenever I hang out with friends, I sometimes feel left out or not being a part of the conversation. This is not about language barriers. This still happens even though it's an English conversation.

As much as I try to be a part of the conversation, I feel like my words are neglected or ignored or it's like I'm part of the wall or something. When I ask what topic are they going on about, sometimes the response I get is the reluctance to explain the whole situation to me and I feel bad because I was there when the situation happened.

And when I get response like "something so-and-so-related, you won't understand one", I can't help but feel a stab of rejection because it implies that it's so complicated I won't be able to catch up. If it's so complicated, can't they at least talk about something that I can be a part of?

You know that I'm hanging out with you guys. So could you at least try not to make me feel alienated and me sitting there saying nothing while you guys chat on? At least I tried to participate by sharing what little knowledge I have about the subject. You didn't have to stamp on my statement and say, "That's nothing lah! Compared to what I have seen,..." and then leave me out of the conversation.

I've tried to mix around with different groups. So far, I'm afraid that I don't feel comfortable in some, especially in big groups because I fear of disappearing in the conversation.

We all complain "why life is so unfair?". Maybe instead, we should ask, "why do we make life so unfair?"

It seems that there are people who can't accept me for who I am and I must realize that I can't please everyone. If you do not like me occasionally having a sharp tongue, then I'm sorry.

If you do not like me for occasionally behaving like a b*itch, then I'm truly sorry.

If your way of disliking me is by making me feel left out, have it your way, I won't bother you, then.

If you do not like me for saying how awesome Miley is... well, then... I have nothing to say, then.

I know there are others who accept me for who I am (being a banana, being most of the time quiet and shy) and that's good enough for me.

This rant was burning inside for a while already, so it's time that I should let it out.

Status during break: Watching Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths.