This is What Snow Does To Me

No matter where I go, I always struggle to stay to fit in.

I know how it goes; the "if you're not meant to fit in, you're born to stand out". But what if you don't have what it takes to stand out, at least you haven't found it yet. What do you do?

That's the thing that I'm going through right now. Just when I thought I found a place that I feel comfortable to be in, something hits me that makes me feel insecure to be with the friendly people that I care about. And when I feel insecure, I would not feel right being with them, and eventually opening up to new friends.

It's ironic, isn't it? I feel more insecurity from the one place/community that's supposed to make me feel secure.

The only thing that's keeping me on the ground is singing, dancing and my coursework. I'm grateful that I join some societies where I don't have to talk about my social problems. I don't want to be reminded about my condition.

Have you seen the film Speak? This is one of dialogues in the scene where Melinda and her friend have this "heart-to-heart" talk.

Friend: But... I think that it's time to admit to each other that we're just... very different people. I mean I have my modelling and I like to shop--

Melinda: I like to shop.

Friend: You don't like anything. You're the most depressed person I've ever met and excuse me for saying this but I think you need professional help.

Melinda: So... you're blowing me off because I'm a little depressed?

Friend: Once you go through this life sucks phase I'm sure lots of people would wanna be your friend. But right now, I don't think we should have lunch together.

I don't like that kind of people. I don't like how they reject you because you look "unhappy" or "depressed" or, from the friend's point of view-- and let's just admit it-- boring. Or. Because you're weird and don't think like how others think. The so-called friend doesn't find a common ground with Melinda, nor does she put the effort to get to know Melinda, for she always talks about her problems and because Melinda isn't into the social person that the 'friend' is, she decides not to have lunch with her anymore.

To my fellow readers, I can be a happy, sociable person. But I hope you also remember that I can be upset, I can be depressed and I can be impatient.

And just when I thought I could trust someone, or have someone to rely on, they'd neglect you.

PS: Bear with my dark emotional post. It's snowing and snowing sometimes brings out the worst in me.