3.2.13

All Too Well

This goes against fibre being in my body but I can't help feeling so much listening to this song of hers. I hate it when she makes it so personal, it actually sometimes makes me fantasise the situation with some cute guy that I know.

I smile hearing her sing, "you almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over me, wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well".

She writes about hearing stories about him "on the tee ball team" from his mother, figuring out that the guy sharing his past with her meant that "his future was me".

And when we hit the chorus, "... we're dancing in the kitchen in the refrigerator light" it makes me wish I could have that moment, or feel what she felt when she was in that situation.

Then it begins to sting as she sings the bridge,

We got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much,
But, baby, this thing was a masterpiece, till you tore it all up

You call me up again just to break me like a promise,
So casually cruel in the name of being honest,
Like a crumpled piece of paper I've been lying here,
'Cause I remember it all... too well

I cannot imagine what it's like to feel that pain she went through. I cringe at the words "break me like a promise" because I wouldn't know how would I put up with that pain, that pain of a broken promise.

Someone once asked me about why I haven't had a boyfriend. Sometimes I ponder upon that question when I have to (because I've always been avoiding thinking about that question, so I guess it's time to find out what's the deal).

It's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of putting a sudden amount of trust on the person and then have that trust broken. I am afraid of opening up to someone, thinking that the person may not like what I say or do. I am afraid of being betrayed, afraid that I would ask for too much. And I'm afraid that it's only in my head.

Above all, it's because I'm shy. Shy in terms of confessing my feelings to someone. I have not been in love before, so I couldn't tell the difference of being infatuated by the person, and caring for the person because that person's your friend.

It may unbelievable to some people, but yeah I still have these crazy thoughts inside my head. There are other things that I can face, but my emotions are the last thing I could understand. I'd ask myself, "God, why do I care so much about what this person thinks of me? WHY DOES IT MATTER?"

It is still very hard to wrap my head around it. I'm not even ready to face that ridiculous fact yet.

Oh, the irony that I don't know about my emotions all too well.

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